The Death of a Child

Two days ago, I attended the wake for a 3½ year old little girl who was tragically killed in a freak accident. I never, ever go up to the coffin at a wake. Ever. It weirds me out. I much prefer remembering the deceased when they were full of laughter and life. The made-up dummy in that coffin is but a mere shell of the person I know. This wake was no different.

The coffin was white and tiny. The room was jam-packed with family, friends, neighbors, and their mournful lamentations. Her parents were heavily sedated. How they can function is beyond me. Her big brother blames himself. Yeah, it’s always fun to tell an 11-year-old boy that his sister’s demise was not his fault.

I am a long-time friend of the family. This family is enormous so I only met this little girl once a few months ago at a party. I remember her sunny face with the teeny teeth. She was decked out in a frilly, frou-frou, lacy dress that she was so proud of. I was just me, friend of the family, at that party. At the wake, I was part family friend, part grief counselor because of the work I used to do. I wasn’t a counselor. I was an administrator but I supervised great, compassionate professionals.

I was happy to provide whatever support I could in whatever capacity the family wanted or needed me. They didn’t need to know that I drove home that night with a numbing headache listening to Past Masters Volume One, praying for the family and thanking the Universe for my precious nieces and nephews, and looking forward to my weekly brunch with 2 of those nieces and nephews on Saturday. Or, that I met my husband and brother-in-law at a bar that night and shared my pain and confusion with them and 2 Cosmos. Or, that I looked into the soft blue eyes of my 2½ year old niece and 5 year old nephew this morning and all but heard the trumpets. Or, that I damned near hugged the stuffing out of them several times. Or, that I’m fucking terrified about having children.

Such is the life of a friend-make-shift-grief-counselor-human-being-wife-rethinking-decision-to-procreate.