Friday, October 14, 2005

The Tarot's Lesson on 10/8/05

For no “real” reason, I decided to count my Tarot cards on October 8th. Sure enough, a card was missing. Mind you, no one uses this deck and the only people who touch my cards are those for whom I’m reading.

I searched high and low for that card all over my house and car. I even checked our new spice drawers thinking that perhaps the workers might have put them in there by mistake. Nothing. After over an hour of looking, I said “OK, Universe, what are you trying to tell me?”

Because I wasn’t in “reader” mode -- I was more in “querent” mode -- I pulled out my books and, in a nutshell, here’s what that card told me:

* I am leading or fighting a group of people.

* There are difficulties ahead.

* Fight for my beliefs because I have the superior position.

* Conflict needs to be resolved.

* Expect to face opposition.

* I will need all of my inner strength to face and deal with my problem(s).

* I will be competing on the job and will be victorious.

* Hold my ground, watch my step, and keep my balance.

* I will get ahead and be prosperous and abundant; however, it may require a little more positive action than I had originally anticipated.

* I was beginning to feel a bit one-dimensional.

* I am experimenting with different roles. Now I want to explore some new aspects of myself. It’s time to experiment a little with who I can be, try on some new hats, play around with some new roles that I might adopt. (These three were especially trippy because I was just discussing this with a friend – who happened to be my boss a few years ago!)

The Tarot doesn’t lie! =-\

I Was Fired on 9/1/05

I was fired on September 1, 2005 from the X Company. It thoroughly sucks and I feel blindsided, betrayed, humiliated, and like a big loser who’s been kicked to the curb. The last few weeks have been full of much introspection, tears, and self-doubt.

For almost 2 years, I was outright told that I was doing a great job. And, I often asked for feedback. My former boss used terms like exemplary leadership when referring to my work and once emailed me thanking me for raising the bar of performance for my staff. These are just 2 examples of his feedback to me.

So, using the parameters and feedback I was repeatedly given by my former boss, I was successful at my job. I have many, many emails to prove this. Thank Goddess for BCCs because I was asked to leave my company-issued laptop. I’m sure those emails were long deleted.

The first time I was told I was off base in terms of my job functions was in late July. On this date, I was given a written warning, which was supposedly the first step of my “performance improvement process.”

My former boss listed 3 concerns in this written warning: my services department, my income development department, and that I don’t communicate well with my staff. Of all the concerns, the 3rd one is the most confusing and maddening because it’s just plain untrue. I spent hundreds of hours working with my staff to build rapport, trust, and camaraderie. I also conscientiously tried to be open to feedback from my supervisees. Those that took me up on my “offer” actually gave me constructive criticism that I received, listened to, and made appropriate changes.

There were 5 deliverables in my “performance improvement process” meant to address the 3 concerns. Even though I vehemently disapproved of the way I was given this first piece of important feedback, I fully trusted my former boss and the X Company’ performance improvement process. So, I gave him the 5 deliverables he requested and then some (I CCd the VP of HR and the COO on this email, as is the custom at the X Company). One of those deliverables included changing a goal set about 6 months ago. On 3 ½ weeks’ notice, I had to galvanize my staff to meet a new goal that was 110% over the original goal.

I pulled it off. We sent over 1,100 invitations and the event had over 300 attendees, great speakers, and was moving yet very professional. My former boss attended and complimented me on a job well done. With the benefit of hindsight, I suppose he was surprised that I could pull off his unfair request.

I also gave my former boss all the other documents he requested in the performance improvement process (e.g., written protocols for the patient navigation department, plan of action to improve communication with my staff, etc.). I had already developed in-depth procedures and built mechanisms for communication, trust, information-sharing, coaching, etc. so I fine-tuned and concretized them and sent them to him. I had overhauled my patient navigation department and it was already showing improvement long before the late July meeting. (More on this later.)

As a follow-up, I requested a meeting in early August with my former boss. At this meeting he tells me, and I quote, “because you are so business savvy, professional, knowledgeable, and comfortable when speaking in public, you are intimidating.” Intimidating, how? Intimidating to whom? So, did I lose my job because I was intimidating “people”? That doesn’t make any sense. I asked for examples and he was unable or unwilling to give me any.

To be fair, the one piece of constructive criticism my former boss did give me before our fateful meeting in late July: one of my departments wasn’t performing well. In early 2005, I conducted a very thorough analysis of this department. Because I inherited this long-standing challenge, I wanted to be sure I knew where we are, where we needed to go, how we’re going to get there, what was discussed in the past, how we’re defining improvement, what areas needed to be strengthened, and how we’re going to define and measure success.

To that end, I had multiple conversations (with an SVP, a department VP when she was hired, a divisional director, my employees, etc.) and used all sorts of resources (e.g., best practices, service requests summary, emails from SVPs, etc.). I kept my former boss informed of my progress throughout this process. Armed with this information, I developed a detailed plan to strengthen this department and monitor and report on its progress. Eventually, I put one of my own staff on a performance improvement plan and monitored his progress. Like I mentioned earlier, this overhaul was already showing improvement long before the late July meeting.

On Thursday, 9/1/05 at 10:15 a.m., I was let go because my former boss says he’s “uncomfortable with [my] leadership of this region.” I’m still unclear on what that means exactly. In short, I lost my job:

* Even though my former boss kept telling me I was doing a great job from for almost 2 years.

* After being given 6 weeks to improve (the so-called “performance improvement process”). I was on vacation for 10 days of those 6 weeks and this vacation was planned 5 months in advance.

* Despite delivering everything my former boss requested in the “performance improvement process” and then some.

* Even though, a few months ago, the X Company nominated me for statewide competition meant for movers and shakers. Why would the X Company nominate someone they thought wasn’t a successful leader?

* Even though the CEO presented me with a leadership award for one of my initiatives and my region was widely known as trailblazers.

* Even though I was repeatedly asked, and joyfully served on, multiple division-wide work groups.

* Even though the concept of “the 3 year cycle” is drilled into all X Company employees. “You learn the 1st year, you start to understand the X Company groove in the 2nd year, and in the 3rd year you really start to make contributions.” Well, for 2 years I contributed much to the X Company for naught.

My key accomplishments while at the X Company include:

* Identifying a chronic gender and race pay gap in my region and advocated tirelessly for over a year to address it. My former boss repeatedly told me that everyone has to be personally accountable for their own career, it wasn’t my role to address pay gaps or manage anyone’s career, and the X Company simply couldn’t afford such increases. To his credit, he eventually approved the raises. When I came on board (in late 2003), the only White Male on my staff made 55.81% more than an African American Female on my staff. They were both the same age, and had very similar work experience and educational levels. As of late July (the day I was put on a “performance improvement process”), I was able to close 29.40% of the gender and race pay gap.

* Re-engineering existing operations in the first 4 months of employment that resulted in what I believed was a strong and cohesive team. This re-engineering played several key roles:

- Allowed me to be “more out than in”, which I was told was my main priority when I was hired.

- Gave 3 members of the internal management trainee team the formal supervisory experience they needed (and didn’t have until I got to the X Company) to move up in the company. It also allowed me to spend a considerable amount of time coaching these 3 new Senior Directors.

- Allowed me to create mobility in my region (by creating 3 Senior Director positions). When one of those Senior Directors left, I promoted one of the Directors of Special Events.

* Launching 2 community initiatives in large urban cities.

- One of these initiatives was especially challenging because I had to start from scratch. We knew next to no one in that city. It took considerable project management and leadership skills to assemble an internal team, lead the team in identifying, recruiting, and motivating key community leaders, and get the initiative off the ground.

- Developed methodologies, project management tools (e.g., blueprint, GAANT charts, etc.), and a lot of collateral (e.g., PowerPoint presentations, fact sheets, etc.) that I regularly and happily shared with other VPs as they worked to launch or improve their own community initiatives.

* Creating a full-fledged profit center financial statement for the region, making data analysis and decision-making significantly more manageable for VPs.

- As a result, my region’s 3-year strategic plan is now linked to very detailed worksheets, including actuals for FY04 and FY05 (when possible), and budgets, contributions, major gifts & planned giving top prospects, special events, salaries, merit increases, facilities, operating direct expenses, memorials, direct mail, several other programs through FY08. Every worksheet has detailed information, linked cells, and specific formulas. Having one clearinghouse of information is crucial. In fact, the CFO has seen this document and likes it. He even mentioned that he might use it for the other regions.

* Revamping the board of advisors that was inactive for approximately 2 years before I came on board.

- I developed a comprehensive board orientation packet and process. I shared this with a member of the board of advisors work group when they first convened.

- Recruited several key executives and community leaders.

* Overseeing a highly visible pilot project.

- By the end of the 4-month project, we had touched a little under 150 people that we would have not otherwise touched.

- I created a blueprint of this pilot that kept track of our learnings and gave it to and SVP. My intent was twofold: 1) to ensure that other regions could use it as a handbook of sorts and 2) to help the SVP with the article he was writing about this pilot.

* Aligning my extracurricular activities with the needs of the X Company Actively and making and leveraging my new executive level contacts.

* Tapping into my network and leveraged the many contacts I already had, which includes but is not limited to, several high-level government folks in NYC.

* Convening and designing monthly staff meetings so that staff could receive a diverse roster of training.

* Overseeing group operations while our hub office was completely refurbished and made ADA-compliant. This project took over 3 months to complete.

All in all: I simply do not understand how I can be told for almost 2 years that I am an exemplary leader, excellent employee, great team-builder, etc. and the FIRST piece of really important feedback I get is with a so-called “performance improvement process.” Surely, SURELY there has to be a better and more professional way of running a business?

Using a written warning as a first line of communication is not fair or professional. What is also not fair or professional is getting fired despite producing the deliverables requested in the “performance improvement process.” I can certainly appreciate that it simply wasn’t a good match or that my performance wasn’t up to par. I would even be able to accept that I may be the worst leader in the history of the X Company.

What I cannot accept is not being provided with leadership, guidance, and honesty FROM MY BOSS so that I could improve my performance. Isn’t that what is expected of a supervisor? Isn’t that what is expected of a good manager? Isn’t that what is expected of a strong leader? Isn’t that what is expected of a “performance improvement plan”?

After all, when I put one of my staff members on a performance improvement plan, I actually - genuinely - was trying to help him IMPROVE his PERFORMANCE so that I wouldn’t have to terminate him. Good leadership is identifying and addressing opportunities, strengths, threats, weaknesses, gaps, and disparities. Bad leadership is ignoring all of that and creating a false paper trail to legally cover up an already-made decision.

The very sad reality is that I leave the X Company, essentially a great organization, with that impression.

An Abortion at 17

I had an abortion when I was 17. First guy I had sex with and I got pregnant within the month. Totally stupid. We never used any birth control. It was just dumb.

Honestly, I only felt immense relief when it was over. But, boy oh boy, before the procedure, I was scared shitless, literally shaking and fighting hard not to cry. My boyfriend was there and, in his attempt to help assuage my fear, tells me not to fight the anesthesia because I could die! (Ugh, I wish I were making that up.)

In the counseling waiting room, I sat next to an older woman. She must’ve seen how petrified I was because she smiled and struck up a conversation. I don’t remember much of that convo except that she told me this was her second abortion and how I was just floored at how anyone could possibly go through this awful experience twice. I mean I was aghast.

The doctor, nurses, and anesthesiologist were the most compassionate people put on Mama Earth. I know now that they could see right through me. I suppose it was kind of hard not to because, seriously, I couldn’t stop shaking and it was warm in there. I tried my damnedest not to cry. As they were prepping, I asked the doctor if he could tell me what the gender was. He looked me right in the eyes and said, “Do you really want to know?” I think I said no. Maybe I just looked away.

A few minutes later I asked the doctor what would happen if I fought the anesthesia. He looks at me right in the eyes, all serious-like but with a twinkle in his eye, and says, “You’ll fall asleep.” I started cracking up, right there on the table, needles coming out of me, my legs in stirrups, tears streaming down my face, still very visibly shaking. I will forever be grateful for his compassion and non-judgment. Ya know, I was pretty much a statistic at that point: pregnant unwed girl from the ghetto, alcoholic dad beats mom, generational cycles of poverty, welfare abuse, and domestic violence, blah, blah, blah.

The anesthesiologist starts to insert the needle in my right arm. I remember staring at it and looking away right before it entered my body. I wake up later in the recovery room and puke green bile all over the place. My boyfriend and I took the subway back home and I don’t remember much beyond having to lie down when I got home. How my parents didn’t see that anything was wrong with me is a strong indication of the household I grew up in. Can’t even fault them. Too many things to worry about like food and shelter.

Fast forward 2 or 3 years later and I have this dream: I hear a baby cry. I look around and can’t find the baby. I go back to what I’m doing. Again, I hear a baby cry and look around. Nothing. This continues for a few minutes. I then look down to my right and hanging from my belt loop is a Hefty garbage bag with a 2-year-old inside of it looking right up at me with deep blue eyes. Sick, huh? A few years after that I removed a cap from a pen, the tip reminded me of the anesthesiologist’s needle, I freaked and dropped the pen. This happened within seconds.

I’ve since discussed this with my therapist, husband, and other people I respect and trust. I don’t feel guilty for having an abortion. Intuitively, I knew I simply couldn’t be a mother then. Maybe Goddess had a plan for my life. Who knows? I just knew that I wasn’t ready to be a mother. What kind of life would I have been able to provide this child? Another generation of poverty, welfare, and domestic violence? No thanks.

I guess this stuff is starting to bubble up again because I am now ready to procreate. A teeny little (very miniscule) part of me feels like I’m going to be “punished” for that abortion. Rationally, I know that’s not true. Spiritually, I know Goddess loves us and She simply doesn’t work that way. But, as a Pagan, I believe I must have personal accountability and I can’t help but think that I will have difficulty conceiving as my “comeuppance.”

Aaaaaaargh, I have to get to an Al-Anon meeting!!!!!!! Thanks for “listening” to me, folks.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Sanitary Napkins

I just walked out of the bathroom of my new office. In the stall there is a sign that says, “Sanitary napkins clog toilets. Please use receptacles.” Why are there so many euphemisms for period products? “Sanitary napkins”, “feminine hygiene products”, the list is endless. There is such a fear of, distaste for, and hatred for all things feminine. Through much of HIStory, women were considered ritually unclean. This isn’t just the case with the big three monotheistic religions. In fact, similar taboos existed in my own Pagan faith. Pliny the Elder wrote about how menstruating women were in serious danger of “infecting” others with their uncleanliness. Maybe that’s the socio-political background of modern day cooties?

I mean, feminine hygiene products? I’m a woman and use many cleaning products. Would shampoo, conditioner, body wash, facial cleanser, and toothpaste be considered “feminine hygiene products”? My teeth are feminine, damn it. =-) What about the 9,000 other products I use like body moisturizer, under eye cream, facial moisturizer, cosmetics, etc.?

A few years ago, I used to teach at a domestic violence accountability program. This was a court-mandated education program for men who batter. We offered a curriculum of information about men’s violence against women in our society and how to end it, including information about the historical, social, and cultural aspects of domestic abuse with emphasis on accountability and personal choice. I (a petite pale-face) would teach each class with a male co-instructor (usually African American or Hispanic). This dyad was constructed on purpose to model respectful behavior. I distinctly remember one day one of the men looking me right in the eye and saying, “I don’t trust nothing that bleeds for 5 days and don’t die.” I calmly replied, “Yeah, you should respect, honor, and FEAR it, buddy.” Ugh, the hatred in that room was palpable.

But, I digress. It’s a little almost 6:30 p.m., it’s been a long day, and I’m hungry so here are my suggestions for a change in nomenclature:

* Menstrual products
* Menstruation items
* Panty protectors
* Hold the Flow, Jo
* Blood stoppers
* Pussy plugs

Y-e-a-h, gotta have dinner . . .

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

My Cousin Was Shot In Iraq

My 22-year-old third cousin, a soldier in the Army, was shot 3 ½ weeks ago. The bullet entered below his left armpit, missed his bladder and spine, and exited through his right side. The man is lucky to be alive.

Before the medivac got clearing to pick up, someone had to call in “Soldier down, gender, race.” He then had to wait a few hours before he was airlifted to the hospital. At the hospital in Iraq, he was treated “like cattle” (his quote) and made to wait with all the other patients, many of whom did not have life-threatening injuries, all the while profusely bleeding. After he was stabilized in that hospital (where he was in a coma for a few days), he was flown to a hospital in Germany for surgery, and then flown to a hospital in Maryland.

The bureaucrats have been giving my second cousin (the soldier’s mom) a hard time about everything. First, they tell her “Why do you need to see your son? There’s nothing you can really do for him.” Then she was told they wouldn’t pay for her and her husband’s (the soldier’s stepfather) flights to Maryland even though the stepfather has been in his life for almost 10 years. After a few agonizing days of waiting for their approval to fly to Maryland to see her son, my cousin got tired and purchased her own ticket. She wanted to make sure she was there the minute he arrived in Maryland. (She wasn’t allowed to see him Germany.) Now they’re telling her they won’t reimburse her because she didn’t follow protocol.

It’s been one maddening thing after another. This soldier lost a buddy a week prior to his own shooting. He was an African-American man who was shot in a similar way that my cousin was and he basically bled to death waiting to be airlifted to a hospital. One can’t help but wonder why the officer calling in a soldier down has to state the felled solder’s gender and race. Why are those classifications important in that instant? Why can’t the officer say something more like “soldier down, human being, blood is red.” Like I wasn’t already cynical about the Bush administration. =-(

I’m signing off now because I just got on the phone with the soldier. His voice is cracked and hoarse from the tube they shoved down this throat. I feel helpless.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

My 'Gina, Too, Daddy

My brother-in-law was bathing his daughter – my precious 2 ½ year old niece – the other day, when she pipes up “My ‘gina, too, Daddy.” As in, “don’t forget to wash my vagina, too, Daddy.” I damned near split a spleen laughing so hard.

OK, it’s a silly post but, after my last post, I needed an uplift. =-)