Mocking Bush: Our Patriotic Duty

By Bill Maher

Sept. 8, 2006 New rule: Bad presidents happen to good people. Amid all the
9/11 anniversary talk about what will keep us safe, let me suggest that in a
world turned hostile to America, the smartest message we can send to those
beyond our shores is, "We're not with stupid." Therefore, I contend -- with
all seriousness -- that ridiculing this president is now the most patriotic
thing you can do. Let our allies and our enemies alike know that there's a
whole swath of Americans desperate to distance themselves from Bush's
foreign policies. And that's just Republicans running for reelection.

Now, of course, you're gonna say, "But Bill, ridiculing Bush is like
shooting fish in a barrel," or, as Dick Cheney calls it, "hunting." Maybe,
but right now it's important, because America is an easily misunderstood
country these days -- a lot of the time it's hard to make out what we're
saying over the bombs we're dropping.

But we are not all people who think putting a boot in your ass is the way to
solve problems, because even allowing that my foot lodged in your ass would
feel good, which I don't -- what then? OK, my boot is in your ass, but I
can't get it out, so I'm not happy, and it's in you, so you're not happy --
there's no exit strategy.

Anyone who opposes the indefinite occupation of Iraq shouldn't be labeled an
al-Qaida supporter. That's like saying that if I tell my exterminator that
there are more efficient ways to rid the house of vermin than hitting them
with a hammer, I'm "for the rats."

Questioning whether it still makes sense to keep troops under fire is
supporting the troops. Asking for a plan supports the troops; asking when
they'll be leaving supports the troops. Sitting around parsing the
definition of "civil war" doesn't support the troops, it supports the
president, and he's not a soldier, he just plays one on TV.

So yes, for the sake of homeland security, I ridicule the president -- but
it gives me no pleasure to paint him as a dolt, a rube, a yokel on the world
stage, a submental, three bricks shy of a load, a Gilligan unable to find
his own ass with two hands. Or, as Sean Hannity calls it, "Reaganesque."

No, it pains me to say these things, because I know deep down George Bush
has something extra -- a chromosome. Cruel? Perhaps, but it may just have
saved lives. By doing the extra chromosome joke, I sent a message to a young
Muslim man somewhere in the world who's on a slow burn about this country,
and perhaps got him to think, "Maybe the people of America aren't so bad.
Maybe it's just the rodeo clown who leads them. Maybe the people 'get it.'"
We do, Achmed, we do!

And that's why making fun of the president keeps this country safe. The
proof? I've been doing it nonstop for years, and there hasn't been another
attack. Maybe the reason they haven't attacked us again is they figured
we're already suffering enough.

If I could explain one thing about George W. Bush to the rest of the world
it's this: We don't know what the hell he's saying either! Trust me,
foreigners, there's nothing lost in translation, it's just as incoherent in
the original English. Yes, we voted for him -- twice -- but that's because
we're stupid, not because we're bad. Bush is just one of those things that
are really popular for a few years and then almost overnight become
completely embarrassing. You know, like leg warmers, or Hootie and the
Blowfish, or white people going, "Oh no you di-int."

So while honoring the anniversary of September 2001, we must also never
forget September 2000. That's the month when Gov. George W. Bush said, "I
know that human beings and fish can coexist peacefully." If you don't
believe me, you can look it up on both internets. The world changed on 9/11.
He didn't. That's why we owe it to ourselves, and our children, to never
stop pointing out that George W. Bush is a gruesome boob.